Top 5 ideas for Disney’s ‘Seal Team 6’ trademark

With only a hand grenade, a prayer, and a single round left in the chamber, lone Navy Seal Lt. Mickey Mouse is outnumbered and outgunned. Yet he is still Osama Bin Laden’s worst nightmare.

Hey, it could happen. The Walt Disney Co. has applied for a trademark on Seal Team 6, the name of the elite Navy Seal team that killed the Al Qaida leader during a raid on his compound in Pakistan. The application filed with the Patent and Trademark Office reportedly states the intent to use the name for education and entertainment services, including toys, clothing, games and, um, Christmas stockings.

But sleeping bags and board games are small fries when it comes to the Mouse House’s potential use for the trademark. Here are some ways to use the trademark to its full potential:

1. Abbottabadlands Theme Park

You’ve been to Fantasyland, Tomorrowland and Frontierland — Now check out Abbottabadlands. Park-goers will be able to tour the exotic world of the Middle East (Anaheim) and enjoy seeing just what it was like to kill the world’s most hated human being. Enjoy park attractions like scalable cement walls, partially exploded Blackhawk helicopters, suburban housing, and nearby military school. (Again, Anaheim)

2. Seals Team 6: The Movie

Osama Bin Laden may be lying at the bottom of the ocean, but his problems have only just begun. From the creators of G-Force (a film about a tactical strike team of guinea pigs) comes Seals Team 6: The Movie, about the adventures of a group of highly-trained live seals as they do battle with Bin Laden’s cabal of underwater terrorists. It’s like a badass update of Flipper.

3. Clothing Line

Combat fatigues have never been more patriotic, or chic. Show your American pride by donning a Seal Team 6 jacket and signature camo pants, complete with extra pockets to hold all the trophy organs taken from your confirmed kills. Also check out the official canine “Combat Buddy” flak jacket.

The line will be part of Disney’s attempts to enter the market of military equipment suppliers. It will include ultra-high tech combat gear, like mouse-ear caps that allow super-hearing, a deadly ray-gun that makes steam come out of your ears and your tongue unfurl on the ground, and a “spoonful of sugar” that’s actually a spoonful of cyanide.

4. The Animated Adventures of Seal Team 6

Like G.I. Joe, but for the 21st century. The action cartoon will feature a group of rag-tag American heroes — the grizzled explosives expert, the nerdy computer whiz, the sarcastic ladies man — romping around the globe while thwarting increasingly bizarre terrorist master plans.

5. The Seal Team 6 Workout Video Game

Increase your (hard) body count while protecting democracy and freedom. Endure realistic training as you advance through Navy Seal boot camp — sculpt your abs as you wiggle under barbed wire, firm up that butt while you squat behind an enemy stronghold  — all from the comfort of your own home.

While it’s weird to think Disney will soon be the owner of America’s favorite soldiers, it really was only a matter of time. In fact, the same thing happened with G.I. Joe — someone recognized the potential value of a popular phrase and they staked their claim before anyone else could. Let’s just hope Disney keeps it halfway classy by not doing ANY of the above ideas. It’s only a matter of time before this makes its way into a movie of some sort. We were just hoping it would end up being more Ridley Scott than Rodger Rabbit.

…although a Seal Team of seals would be pretty rad.