Battle of the animal bands

By 100m
February 16, 2011
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Filed under Naming
He may be on drums, but Fox gets all the vixens.

From Eagles and The Monkees, to Fleet Foxes and Papa Roach, the world of music has always been teeming with bands who use animals as their aliases. Yet while your favorite band of beasts may kick ass on the pop charts, there’s a good chance it wouldn’t last a minute in the wild.

With that in mind, we thought we’d take a look at how some popular bands with animal names would fare if they really had to fend for themselves. As you would expect from any respectable list, we’ve assigned each brute troupe a score from 1 to 10 on our very own destruction rating scale.

Nothing says subtle sexiness like a giant snake strangling a naked woman.

Whitesnake (5)

There’s a reason you never see albino reptiles in the wild — it’s hard to sneak up on prey when you glow in the dark. Still, anything that can unlock its jaws and swallow you whole deserves an amount of respect. But my guess is the band’s name refers to a different kind of snake, one of the trouser variety.

Modest Mouse (1)

No one likes a rodent who thinks he’s the shit. That’s a given. The opposite, however, is so much worse. Because when it comes to battling Mother Nature’s biggest baddies, being polite and humble rarely prevents bears from eating you.

A tiger army is nothing without its generals.

Tiger Army (8)

Man-eaters in uniform, organized into tactical strike teams? That sounds legitimately terrifying. However, speaking from experience, I can tell you that cats are not very good at taking orders. A tiger army is more likely to shred your couch and sit on your keyboard than engage the enemy.

Animal Collective (7)

Like the United Nations of beasts, an animal collective would be able to draw upon the strengths of each of its members in order to maintain peace in the natural world. While this may sound like the ultimate animal band, peace and cooperation and hand-holding is decidedly less badass in the wild.

Dragons: the original protectors of awesomeness.

Dragon Force (9)

The most destructive force known to man, a dragon is capable of leveling your town hall and barracks well before you can build up enough towers to fend it off. The only reason people think they don’t exist is because anyone who has seen one was immediately incinerated.

Flock of Seagulls (4)

With one seagull, the worst you can expect is hot dog theft and maybe a dump on your shoulder. But a whole flock of seagulls has the power to bring down jetliners and, at the very least, utterly destroy your beach wedding party.

Freelance whale will send work invoices once a month.

Freelance Whales (6)

Typically when you do freelance work, you stick to what you’re best at–which in this case is viciously killing lesser mammals with sneak attacks. A whale is dangerous enough without being on contract and having nothing to lose except its bounty. Ahab’s worst nightmare, a cetacean without a cause is nothing to be trifled with.

Atomic Kitten (10)

Science meets nature, chaos meets cuddles. Atomic kitten may look all cute and adorable, but it’s only when your face begins to melt off that you realize picking up the little demon was totally not worth it.

Notable mentions: Dinosaur Jr., Eagles of Death Metal, Bear vs. Shark, Band of Horses, Super Furry Animals, Counting Crows, Wolf Parade, Cattle Decapitation