The good, the bad, the incomprehensible
Recently at A Hundred Monkeys we had the second annual Burning Ears. A celebration of the best and worst in naming. This year we were all tasked with exploring a particular category of names. I chose something close to my heart — the beautiful game.
Finding the names of every professional soccer club in the world was a lot easier than it would have been 20 years ago. Thanks Wikipedia lists. Once you look at the whole data set, a few themes emerge. Lots of city/town names. Lots of “FC.” Lots of sponsored names in some parts of the world. But I didn’t set out to find the median–I was looking for the ends of the spectrum–the truly great and terrible names of the footballing world. Here’s what I found.
The top of the table
This grouping of 13 top names was narrowed down to 10 for Burning Ears voting. Based on our voting, these are the top soccer club names in the world.
T3. Botswana Meat Commission — Botswana
The Botswana Meat Commission sounds more like an alternative band that David Byrne is working with than a soccer club. Maybe that’s why they renamed themselves the much more anonymous Gilport Lions.
T3. Club Destroyers — Bolivia
Are they a club of destroyers or a destroyer of clubs? Either way this Santa Cruz, Boliva-based club gives off a menacing vibe that you don’t often see in soccer club names. Add in their punk rock tiger mascot and no one is going to be excited to show up and face the Destroyers.
T3. Quality Distributors — Guam
Quality Distributors finished the 2009–10 season in the Guam Soccer League with a perfect record of 20 wins out of 20. This was likely due in part to some quality distribution. While the name feels like it’s repping a restaurant supply company, “quality distribution” also makes reference to the team’s ability to build attacks from the back and pass the ball efficiently. Intentional? I have no idea. Quality? Absolutely.
2. Young Blood FC — Pakistan
Young Blood FC hails from Sawihal, Pakistan, southwest of Lahore. Their name is energetic, passionate, and even a bit gruesome. These traits are clearly evocative of soccer–a feat they accomplish while standing out from thousands of professional teams worldwide.
- Stubborn Youth SC — St. Vincent and the Grenadines
The clear winners of Burning Ears 2018 in the soccer category were Stubborn Youth SC from Stubbs in Saint Vincent and the Grenadines. The name works on a few levels. First, they’re from Stubbs so there’s a nice connection to the team’s hometown. More importantly, I would argue, is the connection to the mindset of most soccer players. Most players don’t go pro. No professional footballer from Saint Vincent and the Grenadines currently plays in a top league. But that’s not what it’s about. It’s about continuing to play and grow. It’s about stubbornly clinging to your youth.
And now for the other side of the spectrum. My initial list of 21 names was again pared down to 10 names for Burning Ears voting. These are the most ridiculous soccer club names in the world.
T4. Liberty Professionals FC— Ghana
What’s a liberty professional? It certainly sounds noble but the name of this Accra-based club feels like it’s trying too hard. If you’re playing in a professional league, there’s no need to repeat that fact in your name. You half expect them to show up on the pitch wearing ties and name tags. We’re all for liberty, though.
T4. College 1975 FC— Gibraltar
This name sounds like something you’d see on an Abercrombie & Fitch sweatshirt from a fake university. It’s hard to make the name of a real team sound more like a fake team.
T4. Miscellaneous FC — Botswana
Miscellaneous FC is more curious than bad. It feels like a team of rejects from other teams who were thrown together a la The Longest Yard. For the record, Botswana’s league has some wild names. They certainly aren’t afraid of standing out.
3. Semen Padang — Indonesia
This is about as unfortunate of a transliteration as you’ll find. Semen Padangis based in Padang, West Sumatra. They’re in the second flight of Indonesian football after being relegated from the top flight in 2017. I tried to avoid including names that were bad based strictly on the names of the places they were from (like Wales’ Undy AFC) but Semen Padang was too much to pass up.
2. 4.25 Sports Club — North Korea
The 4.25 Sports Club is based in Pyongyang and is actually a part of the Korean People’s Army. All players are officers. You would think that this name is about as cardboard as a sports team’s name can get but they were originally called Central Sports Training School Sports Club. 4.25 was picked specifically by Kim Jong-Il—referencing the founding date of North Korea’s anti-Japanese Guerilla Army. This also happens to be the day the battle of Gallipoli began (1915) and the day the U.S. declared war on Spain (1898). Serious day, April 25th.
- Flannagan’s Onions — Bermuda
Hailing from Hamilton, Bermuda, Flannagan’s Onions compete in the Bermudian First Division. While their name is hilarious and seemingly unrelated to soccer, they were originally called MR Onions, which I hope is now their mascot. Maybe they smell like onions which makes them hard to defend? No idea. Grasping at straws over here.
You can read more about Burning Ears here.
