The good, the bad, and the bubbly: Naming premixed cocktails
I first became aware of premixed cocktails a few years back via a client project at A Hundred Monkeys. This modern beverage invention — a can, bottle, or ball containing an alcoholic mixture — takes a novel approach to drink-making by putting alcohol in a vessel along with traditional cocktail ingredients and sealing it shut. Premixed cocktails, for the un-inebriated, offer a variety of beverage options for those scenarios when the traditional raw ingredients and mixing utensils are deemed inconvenient or prohibitively expensive, think: planes, trains, parks, bachelors’ apartments. Since my first encounter with premixed cocktails it seems drinkers in the U.S. have taken to them with increasing enthusiasm.
These days, there are a variety of new companies and traditional beverage hegemons concocting premixed cocktails. Today we’ll enjoy a select flight of naming approaches that they are serving up.
Buzzballz
As the name implies, these are balls of sugary booze that get you buzzed. They’re the kind of brand you can expect to find at a gas station or strewn around an amateur beach volleyball tournament. While these ballz may not sit naturally next to the Lagavulin 16 in your liquor cabinet, their unpretentious attitude speaks to those who reach for a drink with less severity. As far as the name is concerned, those who drink them and those who do not all get the joke.
Cutwater Spirits
Cutwater Spirits, named for the forward edge of a ship’s prow, is Ballast Point Brewing’s former distillery business that was spun off and purchased by Anheuser-Busch. Etymologically there’s a fun legacy connection to their parent company and the nautical themes prevalent in their home of San Diego. The name might also be a nice play on “cutting the water, or ice” from your cocktail — what’s in the can is the most elemental part of the drink.
VoCo Vodka Coconut Water
Billed as “The world’s first ready to drink vodka and coconut water cocktail!”, this beverage puts hangover and hydrator in the same can. The appended wordsmash of VoCo feels a little desperate, as though they are begging you to order their first-to-market drink by name.
DRNXMYTH
In most sectors you can find at least one company dropping vowels in an attempt to stand out or lock down a domain name, in premixed cocktails that company is Drnxmyth. I made a few guesses as to how they might pronounce the name, but ultimately went to their Youtube page to learn that it is “drinksmith.” While I respect their purported commitment to professional bartenders — both in creative collaboration and compensation — the name makes it hard to verbally share the brand or find it on the internet if you don’t know the precise spelling.
Candid Cocktails
In our office there are several pun fans, and one certified pun expert, so I was happy to find a name that describes the ready-to-drink cocktail can phenomenon in a lighthearted way. Candid employs a playfully rustic design sensibility which pairs nicely with its forthright product naming — a list of most every ingredient appears in each name, ex: “Bourbon Whiskey with Honey, Ginger, Lemon & Apple Juice.” I like that Candid is frank and says, “we’re putting booze in a can and that’s all there is to it.”
Onda
Onda means “wave” or “ripple” in Spanish. Onda the premixed cocktail company makes some beach-friendly beverages that include lime and grapefruit. As a metaphor, I like that Onda references a new wave of convenient cocktail options — especially since they are making non-traditional sparkling versions of margaritas and palomas. As can happen with multilingual brand names, Onda falls victim to using their own name as slant rhyme for “on the,” (above) which might sound a little tacky if you speak Spanish. Restar un punto.
Spa Girl
Spa Girl makes flavored vodka and canned cocktails. One issue I have with the name is the implication that I’d be drinking a beverage made with used water out of a jacuzzi. However, if I get past that personal complaint I don’t hate the name, I just think it’s limiting. I know that not every name or product is for everyone, but when it comes to searching the shelves at a grocery store there might be a little aversion for some people to grab these “California-garden-fresh crisp flavored drinks that are reminiscent of a tender young cucumber, ripening on the vine.”
On The Rocks
On The Rocks has all the polish that you would expect from a company that is owned by the third largest producer of distilled beverages in the world. Their line of premade cocktails features brand name alcohols such as the “On The Rocks Old Fashioned with Knob Creek” or the “On The Rocks Cosmopolitan with Effen Vodka.” As a name though, it leaves something to be desired. Due to its stature as a premium product line, there’s some chance it would be served in a context where asking for something “on the rocks” happens with frequency. At the expense of not going into a written “who’s on first bit,” I imagine that you can picture how this could be a problem at a noisy cocktail bar.
When naming an alcoholic beverage there are many issues to consider: the bar call, how it might appear on a shelf full of competitors, any similarity to a specific perennial competitor, brand equity, and so forth. I think some of the names on this list have tackled these issues with grace while braving a rapidly growing category. There is, I believe, a place for these types of drinks in your refrigerator or emergency pantry. If they offer a little ease to new parents during a pandemic, to a pair of retirees who just don’t want to run back to the store for limes they forgot, or to the quarter-life crisis vanguard looking for an ironic distraction, that’s great. Go ahead, crack one open. Maybe it’ll inspire you to make it from scratch next time.
Thanks to Rose Linke and Patrick Keenan.
